Plugging my Emo-slash-Rant blog !!

Lex Divina !!

I say. XD I deleted my old LJ because it was already full of crappy entries. Although it was therapeautic, I grew tired of it. Lolx.

I guess I should keep this short now, I'll update more tomorrow or the days after.

*busy mode on*

Emo.

What could be more stupid than hoping for something you know you can never have?
And that is what I feel right now. Stupid. *gaaahhh*

This blog's turning into an emo-slash-rant board, but with no one else to talk to and not wanting to bore my friends with my *same old* problem *that never will die* I'll just pour it all out here since my LJ's full of these kind too.

Maybe one day you'll find me all different, thankyouverymuch to my new school. And of course, with all these things filling inside of me, I don't think I'll be the same again... =/

Guess I am still too innocent of this little rude world that whenever it unravels something for me, each hit goes deep.

Oh, the hell! For a year and a half, I've been dealing with the same old thing that I know should have died long ago. And for a year and a half too, I've been mastering the art of talking in riddles just because I do not really want to scream "YES THAT's YOU !!".

So what's the bottom line?

I wish I never played that game.

I'm tired of all these shit.

I wanted to curse her for being a two-faced bitch-slash-f*ckin drama queen.

I'm sorry if I had to start this post with such strong words but I can't really help it! Suppose you have a friend who seemed like an angel. You two had this petty argument because you confronted her for something she had done (and to be really blamed for anyway... come on!!), then a few hours after, she calls on her mom to tell on you. (plus a dose of lies just to make the story depressing at your expense). Then her mom shows up just to yell at you. I mean... WTF WAS THAT ABOUT?!

And then, the next day... you'll be bombarded with all the sh*t you could ever think of, turns out that your dear friend has been spreading all sorts of lies and rumors about you, around campus, even before the first subject (and up until the last... and maybe tomorrow and the rest of your lives). And to say again... WTF WAS THAT ABOUT?!

As if everything's not enough, she'll suddenly turn into the one being oppressed just to get every drop of sympathy -and you're not even asking for sympathy. You're asking for a chance to explain the real story without all the drama and suicidal scripts she added.

Auuuuuugggggghhhhhhh !!

***

Message ko lang para sa kanya:

"Girl! Ang galing mo talagang magdrama! F*ck! Napaiyak mo ko dun ah! Ang ganda nung stories and nung lines mo, nakakadala! Parang totoo lahat yun ah... kaya mo pala maging two characters in one... I think it wouldn't be hard for you to portray every role possible. Can you also pretend that you're dead? Yung, realistic ah! Pag nagawa mo yun, hands down na ko talaga!"

I <3 bishounen(s) !!!

I saw him running just to catch the train, again.

I couldn't help but sigh with happiness.

He was thisclose yet that <----------> far.

hotness.

***

The new layout that I'm doing's turning as sucky as it can get. LOL !!
I'm currently thinking of using RO as my theme but seems like all the colors clashed.
I feel like it looks good, and it looks weird. Like the rest of my layouts.

Gaahhh... I'm really bad at this. Especially when there are too many ideas. T___T

I should sleep now, but I can't because I can't finalize things. T__T

Frustrated.

(another of my senseless posts)

Random # 1 : Happy Birthday Deichan and Pau! *hugs tight*

Random # 2: I recieved my so-called grade for Filipino and almost wanted to die with depression and frustration. I felt like every hope alive faded like it never came... I wanted to ask our prof "Saan ba ko nag kulang?" (one of chezka's lines XD) and throw tantrums. But of course, I can't do that... =/

Random # 3: I know I won't get something high in Math and in Science (ano ba naaaamaaaannnn!!) because... because I'm feeling so lazy that I cannot bring myself to study anymore.

Random # 4: Cried while watching Alice Academy.

Random # 5: I want to shift to... so okay, I'm not sure of the course but I want to shift. Shift... shift... shift...

Random # 6: I've been watching Ai Yori Aoshi about two days ago and I'm hooked! XD I really love the story, kaoru's soooo cute!

Random # 7: I've been working on a new layout despite of the exams. Lol. It may be up this weekend or next week. I want it to look different and came up with this weird color combination. XD

Random # 8: Gustong gusto ko na lumipat ng school !! Dun sa wala ng uniform, dun sa super laki, dun sa kailangan pa ko magdorm, dun sa merong org na alam kong mageenjoy ako (tama na please ang school paper!) dun sa pwede akong magpakulay ng buhok and magpa-pierce ng isa pa (o dalawa), dun sa merong language classes na pwede ko i-enroll ang aking sarili o mag sit-in na lang... in short, dun sa aking dream school kung saan college student ka talaga at hindi college student sa mundo ng highschool. Wahahahaha! (I can picture someone saying: tol! taas natin mangarap!)

Random # 9: Bishounen. LRT. every 7 am. Hotness. =D

***

So okay, I'll stop at 9. Even if this post is senseless, I'm going to post it anyway. XD

I really have no right to slack off, but I'm too lazy to even motivate myself by thinking of my almost impossible dreams. I don't know what's happening anymore and I feel like my mind's no longer intact. Maybe I think too much of things, of every thing, but I can't help it. It seems like, if I stand naive for a second, I'll lose it all...

Imagine the pains of seeing a 2.25 on your list of 1's. Just thinking about the sleepless nights spent for that freakin subject just to find out that you don't deserve something high. I was never this grade conscious (come on, I spent highschool doodling on my notebooks) until this year. I don't want to be one anymore but I can't help but expect too much of what I can do. It is so frustrating!

Bakit ganun sila? Ginawa mo na nga yung lahat lahat ng kaya mong gawin pero ganun pa rin yung outcome. Dahil lang sa misconception about the students of this course, lahat na ba ay walang karapatan maka-one? Augh!! Gustong - gusto ko na i-drop yung subject niya, for God's sake! And what makes it more depressing? Filipino yun!! Ammmpppp! Super unreasonable yung prof...

I want to cry out of frustration but I just can't bring myself to do so... T_T I don't really want to flood my blog with endless complaints but I don't know where to burst but here... =(

***

Quote(s) for the day:

Prof: Sino siya?
Student: Siya yung anak nung tatay niya.

... labo.

*sigh*

please....?

I feel... empty.

And sad.

And confused.

... I need you.

I need a hug...

Round of Fate

There are, still, so many things that I wanted to say but everytime I try to, words just can't tell them enough...

I don't really know if I'm truly happy or I'm just truly bored of everything. I'm thankful that I've got less problems now, and that academically speaking - I'm okay. Actually, I feel like I'm leaping from subject to subject thinking that I must have heard all these lessons before...

A friend of mine had told me that she'll shift to nursing comes next sem or next year. She really love masscomm that was why she transferred from med to broadcast journalism. and now, she realized that masscomm isn't for her. She said that this course that we're in uses their knowledge through creativity and that a lot of self confidence is required, she's not ready for that, she said. That made me doubt myself. What about me? Am I really for this course? We're just starting, and we're not even near to the core of the course and I'm doubting already... maybe because I don't want to waste days and days just to realize that I'm not up for this, in the long run. What if I really must be in a different course? In the subject I know I'm excelling at, not because I find it easy (like english) but because I truly love it? I don't even know if being a newscaster is really my dream because if you knew me way back on my childhood days, all I wanted was to be an astronaut. And yes, I'm not kidding. Science-related subjects fascinates me the most but is really difficult for me once my laziness strikes in, maybe that is why I've given up on that dream. Plus, isn't that just too much? An astronaut - yeah, right. You need to be really really intelligent to catch up, and I'm not too confident with that... it's an expensive dream...

Everyone's telling me that I'd be a good journalist, and everyone must have thought that it's really what I'm passionate about. But... I really don't think so.

So what am I doing in this course...?

Or more, what am I doing in St. Paul...?

Everything, just everything fell into place, all of a sudden. Maybe I'm caught between fate and my dreams, only fate's much much more stronger in a lot of things...

... am I even happy with where I am now (in all aspects)...?

not really...

Randomness~~

Ganito pala yung itsura ng blog ko kapag Japanese characters yung ginamit. Hindi ko alam kung accurate, pero maganda tignan! XD (clikie =D)

Ang tagal ko ng hindi nagblo-blog! Ang dami dami na kasing school work ang ibinibigay, marami ring practices, reporting at exams! May homework din akong dapat gawin para bukas, pero parang ayoko muna gumawa. =/ Siguro dahil nakakapagod na rin kasi talaga yung routine: Gigising, papasok, uuwi, gagawa ng homework, matutulog then gigising uli. Parang patterned na patterned na yung mga gagawin ko simula pa nung highschool ako hanggang ngayon. T_T Sabi nga ng mga classmates ko, para raw kaming mga highschool student na pwedeng magmake-up, lumabas ng kahit anong oras at may mahahabang breaks. Pero yung ibang rules na nakasanayan na, lalo na kung galing sa exclusive school din, ganun pa rin. Implemented pa rin. Nakakasawa na... T_T

Nakuha ko na rin yung midterm grades ko. So far, 2.00 ang lowest, at kung iro-round off, 1.75. Pero sa tingin ko hindi nila niro-round off yun, kaya nalulungkot talaga ako kasi ang goal ko lahat ay 1.00-1.75. Isa lang naman yung 2.00, pero ganun pa rin. 2.00 pa rin... at as usual, Math yun. Tsk tsk. Isang grade na lang ang hinihintay ko, at sana hindi siya bababa sa 1.75 para mataas pa rin yung chance ko para masama sa dean's list. =D

Ganun pala yung feeling ng naghahabol sa grades. Hindi naman dahil sa bumabagsak na ako kaya ako naghahabol eh kundi para makakuha ako ng GWA na 1.75 (or better) para makalipat sa dream school ko. Ang hirap pala sobra, at kahit anong taas nung grade eh parang mababa pa rin... kaya ngayon, wala talaga akong karapatan maging tamad kung hindi, hindi ko maaabot yung goal ko... Siguro gagawin ko na yung homework ko after ko ito ipost...

Nanghiram rin ako ng Japanese book sa library kanina. =D Medyo may improvement naman kasi medyo marunong na ko magconstruct ng sentences (romanji) using arimasu, soko, koko, asoko, ga, ni at yung iba pang japanese words. Bumili rin si kuya ng libro kung paano magsulat ng japanese characters in hiragana and katakana kaya big help naman ito. =D Gusto ko talaga matuto eversince highschool, ngayon lang ako nakakuha ng chance. Gusto ko rin mag lessons talaga, pero siguro sa summer na lang... =D

At last na randomness: Kanta ko nga pala yung "Pare ko" - Sponge Cola para kay... lol! XD Nakarelate kasi ako eh, tama ba Chezka? Change all the pronouns, siguro. Hehe. XD

Hanggang dito muna itong tagalog post ko. Wala lang, feel ko lang magtagalog. XD Gagawa pa ako ng homework... kaya.. ja ne! ^__^

Revelations.

Bag-a-holic.

That's the first word that came into my mind awhile ago, after taking money-suicide + obsessive compulsive attacks at the mall. I just realized that it has been a very long time since I last went to the mall for serious shopping of what Chezka and I (and Deichan! lol!) call: luho.

And it was all girlish-glory. Mom accompanied me to the mall when I told her I just need to buy a few things... and ended up buying four bags and little trinkets for my already-heavy cellphone. I knew I should have stopped myself as I was reaching for the fourth bag, but I can't help it. Monokuro Boo's just too adorable to pass, and the Charmmy Kitty shoulder bag's really cute. Mom began joking around by telling me that with all the bags I own, I could have a garage sale already. And I thought to myself, that's just ridiculous! Maybe I have a few bags around, say... around 8 or so.

But upon opening my drawers and closet, I realized that I'm wrong and Mom's right. I stared inside the cabinets in disbelief. I began counting them and stopped and recounted again. There are even bags that I don't remember owning and bags that I haven't used once! What was I doing, with all those bags and what should I do now that I realized they are too many for me to keep and to use but too hard for me to give away?

I can use different bags everyday, I thought. But fixing it everynight's too... too... tiring. =( And a whole month won't finish a fair round of changing bags too. =( And it dawned on me. Now I know where 90% of my money's going... and I thought I'm not splurging at all! Seeing those bags made me feel guilty and made me want to save up for more important things... It was saddening but come to think of it... I really love buying them. They're like chocolates, they are really comforting.

I guess it will take me a long time and more self-discipline before this bag craziness stops. XD

Anyway, while I was blog-hopping around, I decided to do a meme, from Fiona's blog. (Arigato Gozaimasu Fiona!)

Random things that you probably don't know about me:

1. I used to eat pasta without sauce until grade six, and still enjoys it occasionally.
2. I'm actually an accountant, in my own ways. XD I compute my allowance and my expenses for the week then lists it all down just to see if I can afford a dream item.
3. I talk to the stars and the sky.
4. I don't eat toasted bread. I hate the taste of bread crumbs.
5. I love steamed veggies and eats them alone, even for snack. (without dips or sauce)
6. I've had a tongue-related accident when I was five that could have made me mute.
7. I do math homework with rock/emo/goth/punk bgmusic. I can answer them well, that way.
8. Whenever I watch a Harry Potter movie, I tend to fall asleep.
9. I hate it when people taps me.
10. I talk to my stuff toys up until now. I kiss them goodnight (every night) and believes they can hear what I'm saying.

Well, I should cut this now. =D I still need to do something. ^____^